On the right track??!
I have been very busy lately.. Very busy with myself. Since all those questions in my head didn't seem to find a logical end, I decided to pray. I asked God to use me, form me and mold me into the person meant to be. I came across some readings to help one to become most effective to God's kingdom.
I want to be effective to His kingdom. But how?!
I definitely let God take control over my life, but with every step that I take, I feel insecure. Is this really His will? Am I going the right way? Or am I being tempted by the devil? ... Actually, I came to the conclusion that I was on the right track and the devil just tried to keep me from going by making me feel insecure. Still, a couple of things are going on that I just don't know how to deal with.
You know, the guy I've been dating recently, but stayed my friend since we broke up? He lives at my place these days. He needed a place to stay and asked me if it was ok with me. I am a helping nature and whenever someone needs me, I help. I am very selfless in helping.
So he moved in and really tries to keep my place clean the way I like it. He is very considerate of my daily routine and I appreciate that. But still it is super super super exhausting..
I have a small apartment, so he has to sleep in my bed with me. Although we are not, it often makes me feel like we were in a relationship and I can't help to fall for that thought. He's not very talkative and most of the time we don't talk at all. It makes me feel like he's mad with me and when I ask him if he was he would say "why would I?".. Yes, I know that, but we do live together and to me that means to spend time together as well. I know he has never lived with a woman like that before, but I can't just be the one to accept and compromise on anything, but he won't.
I told him many times that this ignoring and not talking thing bothers me, but he wouldn't listen. It is not only the talking but also his answers. When I ask him something, he wouldn't answer but react with a comment that sounds totally pissed. I really feel disrespected. I got super mad and lost my temper, but I didn't tell him to leave.This is what I am worrying about.. How much do I need to accept in order to behave godly? Do I have to keep up with his shit? Am I allowed to tell him to leave? Should I treat him the way he treats me?
I don't want to be mean and I don't like the "I treat you how you treat me" game. But it makes me unhappy and I really don't know what to do.
God, I need your help.
to be continued...Until then: stay blessed, xoxo Jaky
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