trying to be a man is a waste of a woman
We stayed in touch but he kept accusing me of not being a woman with good and godly qualities. We fought and I ended the contact. I thought that after all I have learned I definitely didn't need that kind of shit.
I still believed and hoped for a man that would be able to love me for who I am and not someone he could make out of me. But his words stayed in my head. I kept thinking about it even more. I read some books about real love and healing oneself.. I figured out that I if I wanted a man that truly loved me, that truly accepted me and gave his everything to me, I needed to become all that first. I couldn't expect a guy to be all that, but I wasn't. I truly had to love myself unconditionally first in order to love someone unconditionally. I had to serve God in the right way and become a godly woman in order to meet a godly man.
I understood that and was willing to work on myself. That guy and I decided to stay friends. After our break up, he apologized and said that he needed me in his life, since I gave him a positive view and fun. But we both felt that being friends was better at the moment. Since then, we really got good friends.
I thought about being a godly woman. What does it mean? What kind of commitments do I have to make? Where and how can I better myself? I realized that I was everything, but not a typical woman.. I grew up in a world dominated by men. I always had to stand tall against men. To not be used, abused or seen of less worth. That actually made the strong, confident and independent woman out of myself. I am very proud of whom I have become. I hate being compared to other women, because I am me and that is unique. For nothing in this world would I want to be someone else. But I want t be godly and get better. I still am currently working on that. I am still trying to find the right way.
Today I actually asked myself a couple of questions. Will I ever be able to commit myself to a man without losing my independence? Will I one day want to be a mother without thinking my freedom is gone? Will I be able to live for my husband and kids and feel fulfilled without feeling the urge of making career? I do not possess those qualities of a woman. I love being independent, I hate the feeling of not being able to do what I want and I have dreams that I want to reach for.
So is it even possible to be a godly woman and still remaining true to myself? Because right now it feels that I have to give myself up in order to be the right woman. I know that I want a husband and kids one day, but I don't feel that I could really commit myself.
Well, I am a work in progress. I sense that I try to keep up with the man's world and think that trying to be a man is a waste of the woman that I am. Currently, I try to figure out how to keep my uniqueness without wasting the woman that I am. I need to let go of the feeling that I have to keep up with the men and live a life like a man.
to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed. xoxo, Jaky
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