Road through hell
God finally revealed the truth. You see, God's plans are so different from ours and if he sees that our plan is going to wreck us, he wrecks our plan. He loves us too much to let it happen. That's why sometimes a sharp cut is needed. He knows you wouldn't go further, that is why he takes you there.
"Ok, calm down. Do not lose nerves. Breathe slowly." When I saw the truth, this is what I told myself, cause I was so scared of breaking down. I felt numb and empty. I couldn't cry, I wasn't mad and couldn't move. I saw this big black hole in front of me and I was so scared of falling into it.
I texted that girl and found out hat he was cheating on me for months. She didn't know either. He lied, manipulated, cheated and used me. FUCK! How could I be so stupid after all I've been through and have learned?! I knew it. My intuition told me. But I knew I had to pay for something and God made me pay.
I knew it was my punishment for my past and I accepted it. God knows what he does to us and it is only for our best. Didn't make the pain any better nor did it help me forgetting him. But that was my lesson to think about myself. To reflect my behavior and what I could do better for my future: So if I never wanted this to happen to me ever again, I need to stop hurting other people. If I never want to lose myself in a relationship again, I need to learn to be alone. If I never wanted to be misled again, I need to focus on God and build a relationship with Him stronger than anything. I started praying again. I asked for guidance. I committed my whole life to Him, cause I knew He is the only one that could save me. I asked Him to form me, to lead me and mold me into the person I was meant to be.
I stopped seeing guys. I stopped having sex. I was all by myself. I spent months alone and felt so incredibly lonely. I told my friends "I will tell you many times that I can't handle the pain and the loneliness, but eventually, I will be happy and wiser when I go through this phase". I cried every single day. I missed that guy, I felt lonely and misunderstood by every single person on this planet. I held onto God like He was my last bit of hope.. He IS the last bit of hope. I prayed and thought, prayed and thought. Throughout this time, I realized that I wanted REAL love. I wanted to give my love to someone and be loved in return. I wanted just one man to spend his life with me. I wanted to be appreciated, respected and honored. I didn't want guys to see me as an object anymore. I thought, if I just waited long enough, Mr. Right would come.. Again, I was so wrong.
to be continued... Until then: Stay blessed! xoxo, Jaky
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