I met this guy on the internet. To do get what I wanted from men I started meeting guys online. He was absolutely everything I ever wanted in a man: brown skin, long hair, tatted up and American. Plus he was just like me. We started seeing each other and soon spent more time together, cause we had so much fun. We were laughing and being goofy all day long. He came to Germany for an exchange semester and I spent 90% of the time with him. He made me feel special. He helped me to heal. He showed me that it's ok to be a woman, to ask or help and to be true to my feelings. In reverse, I helped him out financially, cause he had trouble paying his bills, since he wasn't allowed to work in Germany during his stay. Money is not important to me, although I never had much of it, I didn't mind helping.
After a couple of months my feelings started to grow. But I was so insecure, cause I was still a little overweight and just couldn't believe that this PERFECT guy would want ME. After all the times of being not good enough for a guy, he finally wanted ME. I thought it was my insecurity, but I sensed after some months that something is not cool. My intuition told me that he was seeing some other woman, but I ignored it, cause I thought that was just my mind going crazy.
I mean, he told me he had feelings for me. He spent so much time with me and always made me feel special. He told me he wouldn't lie to me and never wanted to hurt me. I wanted this relationship too bad. So I kept ignoring my intuition. I believed what he said, although it got obvious later on. He stayed at a friend's place for the weekend, although he didn't have friends over there. He hid his phone from me. I was too scared to ask him, cause I knew I couldn't handle the truth. By the way, somehow I knew that this relationship isn't going to be the one, since I felt that I still had to pay for things I did to guys in my past. I believe in "what goes around, comes back around" and God always made me pay.
I never prayed for the truth, I was too scared. I prayed that he might be the one. Although the guy was a Christian, he didn't really pray daily, so I stopped doing that as well. I don't know why, I just forgot it.
Then the day came, he had to go back to the states. It hit me so hard, cause I loved him so badly. I took him to the airport and the last thing he told me was "I love you and we'll get through the distance.". DAMN, he loved ME!! I couldn't believe it. I knew that I would compromise on anything just to have him love me. So I said yes and whatever he planned for his future, I would agree with it. Although I had plans and dreams as well. I went home sad and happy. Sad, because he had left and I still didn't know if he maybe cheated on me. Sad, because I knew I couldn't trust him from this far away. Happy, because he said he loved me and I thought he was the one.
When I arrived at home, I saw a picture of him and another girl on facebook.. That's when my road through hell started.
to be continued... Until then: Stay blessed, xoxo Jaky
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