When I was 18 years old, I ended my very first relationship with a nice guy, whom I've been dating for 3.5 years. As it is, we were growing up and growing apart. Our interests and attitude towards life have changed in the exact opposite. So I met an older man, Indian, who ran the company I just started working for. I liked that he was older, mature, had a job and made me feel special again, what has become less since my ex and I were growing apart. I've never had an affair in my life before and actually I was one of the "one guy for a life-time" girl. But he was exciting and the way he treated me was exciting. At that age I was still overweight and I felt pretty when I told me that he wanted to have sex with me, how beautiful my pale white skin was and my big butt.
So we started seeing each other and I worked at his company. He just wanted to have fun but for me just having sex was no option at all, I still had my attitude. We argued a lot about that and to have sex with me, he lied. We started having some kind of relationship and although I didn't want to be alone, I knew right from the beginning that this so not going to be good for me. He was an alcoholic, not religious and still contacted he ex-girlfriend. But at the age of 18 and with the helping nature that I am, I tried to stick with his bullshit and help him out of his misery.
He cheated on me, beat me, tried to kill me and forced me to work every day.. 13 hours a day, 7 days a week.. and I was still going to high school and studying later on. As the time went by, he had me where he wanted me to be. Small, controlled, and low of self-esteem, so he could do whatever he wanted to do to me. I thought I loved him just too much to leave him, because although he told me that I wasn't good enough for him, fat and ugly, dumb and a weak bitch, I thought he needed me. I told myself he would love me, because at times he treated me "good". I was in this deep, deep hole and I didn't even realize what I was doing to myself. I felt pain every day. I cried every day, I got so used to that feeling that happiness felt wrong. I got obsessed with the pain he caused me.
There was a time when I couldn't stand all this anymore, but liquor or drugs never were an option to me. I was what it did to him and I would lose all of my self-respect, if I started doing it. But the pain held on and I even blamed God. I knew he was trying to change me and not the situation, but I didn't get that I blamed Him for letting it happen. I prayed that this guy may finally love me back, stop cheating on me and sees what kind of a good girlfriend I am. I even prayed for God to take me to Him, so all the suffering ended. I wanted to die many, many times but I would have never committed suicide, because I appreciated the life God gave me way too much.
It all reached its climax when my boyfriend told me that he was going to marry an Indian girl. The last pieces of my heart fell apart when I heard that. I fought so hard, changed so much into a woman he could possibly love and it still wasn't enough. It took another 5 months of pain and abuse until I started to change my prayers into "Please Lord, help me out this. Change the situation into what is best for me." and in the very next moment I realized that being single is an option. So when he told me that he was going to marry her the next month I said "I just want you to be happy and if it's not me that makes you happy, I'm going to leave and make space for the right one". I meant it. Although he put me through all of it, I wasn't mad. He didn't know better. He had and still has so many inner issues to fix, he didn't know how to deal with his problems.
So I left, moved into another city. When I cut every possible way of being in contact with him, I finally felt free. It was a shock, though. I couldn't sleep or stop crying, because I couldn't believe I was finally out of this jail. But that's when the real fight started. He took everything that I was, my confidence, my beauty, my personality and my self-esteem. Plus I had to work on my broken heart, so I would learn and grow from that situation and not walk around broken. That was in January 2014, at the age of 21. It took me months of praying and working on myself to become myself again, just wiser and even more confident.
I really thought I was healed until I met the first man after my break-up. I was still so hurt inside that I hated everything about feelings, love and relationship. All I allowed a man to have of me was my body. And with that attitude another chapter started..
to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed, xoxo Jaky
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