I have been very busy lately.. Very busy with myself. Since all those questions in my head didn't seem to find a logical end, I decided to pray. I asked God to use me, form me and mold me into the person meant to be. I came across some readings to help one to become most effective to God's kingdom.
I want to be effective to His kingdom. But how?!
I definitely let God take control over my life, but with every step that I take, I feel insecure. Is this really His will? Am I going the right way? Or am I being tempted by the devil? ... Actually, I came to the conclusion that I was on the right track and the devil just tried to keep me from going by making me feel insecure. Still, a couple of things are going on that I just don't know how to deal with.
You know, the guy I've been dating recently, but stayed my friend since we broke up? He lives at my place these days. He needed a place to stay and asked me if it was ok with me. I am a helping nature and whenever someone needs me, I help. I am very selfless in helping.
So he moved in and really tries to keep my place clean the way I like it. He is very considerate of my daily routine and I appreciate that. But still it is super super super exhausting..
I have a small apartment, so he has to sleep in my bed with me. Although we are not, it often makes me feel like we were in a relationship and I can't help to fall for that thought. He's not very talkative and most of the time we don't talk at all. It makes me feel like he's mad with me and when I ask him if he was he would say "why would I?".. Yes, I know that, but we do live together and to me that means to spend time together as well. I know he has never lived with a woman like that before, but I can't just be the one to accept and compromise on anything, but he won't.
I told him many times that this ignoring and not talking thing bothers me, but he wouldn't listen. It is not only the talking but also his answers. When I ask him something, he wouldn't answer but react with a comment that sounds totally pissed. I really feel disrespected. I got super mad and lost my temper, but I didn't tell him to leave.This is what I am worrying about.. How much do I need to accept in order to behave godly? Do I have to keep up with his shit? Am I allowed to tell him to leave? Should I treat him the way he treats me?
I don't want to be mean and I don't like the "I treat you how you treat me" game. But it makes me unhappy and I really don't know what to do.
God, I need your help.
to be continued...Until then: stay blessed, xoxo Jaky
We stayed in touch but he kept accusing me of not being a woman with good and godly qualities. We fought and I ended the contact. I thought that after all I have learned I definitely didn't need that kind of shit.
I still believed and hoped for a man that would be able to love me for who I am and not someone he could make out of me. But his words stayed in my head. I kept thinking about it even more. I read some books about real love and healing oneself.. I figured out that I if I wanted a man that truly loved me, that truly accepted me and gave his everything to me, I needed to become all that first. I couldn't expect a guy to be all that, but I wasn't. I truly had to love myself unconditionally first in order to love someone unconditionally. I had to serve God in the right way and become a godly woman in order to meet a godly man.
I understood that and was willing to work on myself. That guy and I decided to stay friends. After our break up, he apologized and said that he needed me in his life, since I gave him a positive view and fun. But we both felt that being friends was better at the moment. Since then, we really got good friends.
I thought about being a godly woman. What does it mean? What kind of commitments do I have to make? Where and how can I better myself? I realized that I was everything, but not a typical woman.. I grew up in a world dominated by men. I always had to stand tall against men. To not be used, abused or seen of less worth. That actually made the strong, confident and independent woman out of myself. I am very proud of whom I have become. I hate being compared to other women, because I am me and that is unique. For nothing in this world would I want to be someone else. But I want t be godly and get better. I still am currently working on that. I am still trying to find the right way.
Today I actually asked myself a couple of questions. Will I ever be able to commit myself to a man without losing my independence? Will I one day want to be a mother without thinking my freedom is gone? Will I be able to live for my husband and kids and feel fulfilled without feeling the urge of making career? I do not possess those qualities of a woman. I love being independent, I hate the feeling of not being able to do what I want and I have dreams that I want to reach for.
So is it even possible to be a godly woman and still remaining true to myself? Because right now it feels that I have to give myself up in order to be the right woman. I know that I want a husband and kids one day, but I don't feel that I could really commit myself.
Well, I am a work in progress. I sense that I try to keep up with the man's world and think that trying to be a man is a waste of the woman that I am. Currently, I try to figure out how to keep my uniqueness without wasting the woman that I am. I need to let go of the feeling that I have to keep up with the men and live a life like a man.
to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed. xoxo, Jaky
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