reflections

old patterns

So before our first date I told myself to slow down, to not talk sexually or try to seduce him. I needed to be more distant, like a godly woman would be. Show him what kind of a wonderful woman you are. We met at my place, cause he was super busy and it was way too late for dinner. So we talked a lot and I told him a lot about myself, which was something I wanted to slow down as well. I am a very open person and don't mind talking about myself. When someone asks me a question, even sexual questions, I answer honestly. Soon, I figured out that I have gone too far. People that stay in my life usually can handle me. They know me and know how to deal with it. But this guy was the absolute opposite from me. I am open, he is very closed. I am confident, he is very shy. I am a emancipated woman, he is a real gentleman, who was raised by the old school behavior. He has a strong personality, but I felt hat I may have been too much for him.

As it had to happen, I forgot about the things I told myself and seduced him. While we were making out, he told me that he would wanted to slow down, but my mind didn't work. My sexual longing was way too big.

We kept seeing each other, both with the intention of working towards a relationship. The problem was that he is a thinker, I am not. He plans and tries to see the future, I live for the moment. He sees problems, I see challenges.

So while he thought that it would never work out, I said that if we don't even try, we never know. He said that we were too different, but I believed that we could learn from each other. Instead of being each others equal, we were each others missing pieces.

A real problem for me was, that he thought I was too outstanding and looking for men's attention. He said I wouldn't behave like a taken woman. He said he knows how men think and sooner or later, someone would try to seduce me. I mean he was some kind of right. I am very outstanding and always the focus everywhere. Men look at me everywhere but I never yearned for attention. I didn't need that. I am myself and proud of it, what others think doesn't matter to me. He has never met a woman like me and since he thought I was too good and attractive for him, he thought he might lose me in an instant.

So he asked me to dress more discreet and not talk so openly with everyone. I immediately kept myself back. I was mad because he made me feel like I was a bitch. Plus, I felt that he tried to change myself and I wouldn't change for anybody. I love everything about me and wasn't ready to act like someone else.

So I told him if he thinks I was too good for him, he had to raise up to my standards and not try to tear me down. He had to change himself into someone he felt confident with, instead of trying to make me feel less. I told him that I had dreams and need a man that can handle it. Someone to support me and enjoy life with me and not someone that tries to belittle me.

He didn't really see it that way. I felt that he tried to change me still. Even if he said that he wouldn't want to change me, but to better me, I felt it differently. I did think about his words, though. Before we met I thought of being a godly woman and knew that I didn't behave like one. I always asked myself how and when I was going to get better, more godly.

So while I was trying to defend myself, I stumbled across so much more.

to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed, xoxo Jaky

11.4.16 21:58

Letzte Einträge: Mr. Perfect, and then God started using me..., The force to grow, On the right track??!

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