reflections

Ms. "I don't need a man"

So I started seeing some guys after my break-up with the Indian guy, cause I finally felt free. I was like "yeah I'm single! I can do whatever I want and date whoever I want". But I wouldn't want any man near my heart. My heart was so incredibly hidden under a huge ice block. I didn't even know I still had a heart. I laughed at couples, told friends how foolish they were if they really believed in love. I was convinced that I would never allow any man to hurt me or to even get to see that I may have feelings. I've always been very sexual, I thought I couldn't go without sex, so I was only looking for that. Since this is something I can't really give to myself. I didn't know that I was truly disrespecting my body and my soul by giving myself that easily. I didn't know I was seen as a "bitch". I didn't know I was playing myself and even hurting myself more. How could I do that to my body and my soul? How could I force myself to hide something natural like feelings, cravings for love and affection? I was being brutal to myself. I was so blind and so focused on not being hurt again that I thought suppressing was the key to healing and not going through it and growing.

I met a lot of men and all of them at some time told me "Damn you're the absolute jackpot! You're hot, beautiful, smart and knows what a man really wants and needs. I'm just not the right one." Eventually, I got tired. I felt that somehow I wanted more. I wanted o be all that to a man who really appreciated and wanted me. I thought that one day a man might come and just love me for the person that I am. Who understands me and meets up to my needs and expectations. I thought I could stay the overly independent and confident woman and show him, I would replace him any minute, he started fooling me... Damn, I was so wrong.

So again I prayed to God and asked for help.. That's when I met Mr. PERFECT...I thought..

to be continued...Until then: Stay blessed! Xoxo, Jaky

2.4.16 12:52

Letzte Einträge: Mr. Perfect, and then God started using me..., The force to grow, old patterns, On the right track??!

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