reflections

and then God started using me...

I committed my whole life to God, that means I asked Him to lead me in any kind of way. I knew I had to be ready for change, but I didn't know God was going to turn my whole life upside down..for my best!

I stopped studying since I realized it is not what I really want. I started working out daily since I wasn't really happy with my body. I started weight lifting and fell in love with this kind of sport. I fell so much for it that I wanted to become a fitness athlete. I started and am still doing bodybuilding. I want to be the best me I possibly could.

I conquered my mind, my inner demons and fell in love with my daily personal fight, which turned out to become my passion. I still work out daily, twice a day. Made a huge transformation and am still in progress. I love every single bit about fitness and eating clean, because it made me stronger. It helped me to get to know myself and my body and made me appreciate what it means to EARN something. Bodybuilding is hard work; you can't cheat on it.

By doing this, I realized that I want to work in the sports industry. I started working as a fitness trainer and am going to become a Drill-Instructor by end of this year. So you see what God changed in my life and everything for the better. I received a lot of negative statements about my life change, because most people live a life satisfying society and not themselves. But I realized that I want a life that satisfies the Lord and me. I had to walk by faith by doing this, but I learned that walking by faith is the best thing I could do.

I sometimes catch myself worrying about stupid stuff, but then I remember who is leading me and I am at my inner peace again. I love the idea of becoming the best version of myself and knowing that I will get the best out of my life, if I live up to His expectations, not mine.

So just like this, I thought Mr. Right would drop off at any day. I grew weary, cause I felt incredibly lonely. I wanted affection and love so badly, that I became really impatient. I was wondering where he could be. When is God going to send Him? I didn't know that there was a whole lot of work in front of me...

to be continued... Until then: Stay blessed. xoxo, Jaky

5.4.16 18:29, kommentieren

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Road through hell

God finally revealed the truth. You see, God's plans are so different from ours and if he sees that our plan is going to wreck us, he wrecks our plan. He loves us too much to let it happen. That's why sometimes a sharp cut is needed. He knows you wouldn't go further, that is why he takes you there.

"Ok, calm down. Do not lose nerves. Breathe slowly." When I saw the truth, this is what I told myself, cause I was so scared of breaking down. I felt numb and empty. I couldn't cry, I wasn't mad and couldn't move. I saw this big black hole in front of me and I was so scared of falling into it.

I texted that girl and found out hat he was cheating on me for months. She didn't know either. He lied, manipulated, cheated and used me. FUCK! How could I be so stupid after all I've been through and have learned?! I knew it. My intuition told me. But I knew I had to pay for something and God made me pay.

I knew it was my punishment for my past and I accepted it. God knows what he does to us and it is only for our best. Didn't make the pain any better nor did it help me forgetting him. But that was my lesson to think about myself. To reflect my behavior and what I could do better for my future: So if I never wanted this to happen to me ever again, I need to stop hurting other people. If I never want to lose myself in a relationship again, I need to learn to be alone. If I never wanted to be misled again, I need to focus on God and build a relationship with Him stronger than anything. I started praying again. I asked for guidance. I committed my whole life to Him, cause I knew He is the only one that could save me. I asked Him to form me, to lead me and mold me into the person I was meant to be.

I stopped seeing guys. I stopped having sex. I was all by myself. I spent months alone and felt so incredibly lonely. I told my friends "I will tell you many times that I can't handle the pain and the loneliness, but eventually, I will be happy and wiser when I go through this phase". I cried every single day. I missed that guy, I felt lonely and misunderstood by every single person on this planet. I held onto God like He was my last bit of hope.. He IS the last bit of hope. I prayed and thought, prayed and thought. Throughout this time, I realized that I wanted REAL love. I wanted to give my love to someone and be loved in return. I wanted just one man to spend his life with me. I wanted to be appreciated, respected and honored. I didn't want guys to see me as an object anymore. I thought, if I just waited long enough, Mr. Right would come.. Again, I was so wrong.

to be continued... Until then: Stay blessed! xoxo, Jaky

4.4.16 10:04, kommentieren



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