old patterns

So before our first date I told myself to slow down, to not talk sexually or try to seduce him. I needed to be more distant, like a godly woman would be. Show him what kind of a wonderful woman you are. We met at my place, cause he was super busy and it was way too late for dinner. So we talked a lot and I told him a lot about myself, which was something I wanted to slow down as well. I am a very open person and don't mind talking about myself. When someone asks me a question, even sexual questions, I answer honestly. Soon, I figured out that I have gone too far. People that stay in my life usually can handle me. They know me and know how to deal with it. But this guy was the absolute opposite from me. I am open, he is very closed. I am confident, he is very shy. I am a emancipated woman, he is a real gentleman, who was raised by the old school behavior. He has a strong personality, but I felt hat I may have been too much for him.

As it had to happen, I forgot about the things I told myself and seduced him. While we were making out, he told me that he would wanted to slow down, but my mind didn't work. My sexual longing was way too big.

We kept seeing each other, both with the intention of working towards a relationship. The problem was that he is a thinker, I am not. He plans and tries to see the future, I live for the moment. He sees problems, I see challenges.

So while he thought that it would never work out, I said that if we don't even try, we never know. He said that we were too different, but I believed that we could learn from each other. Instead of being each others equal, we were each others missing pieces.

A real problem for me was, that he thought I was too outstanding and looking for men's attention. He said I wouldn't behave like a taken woman. He said he knows how men think and sooner or later, someone would try to seduce me. I mean he was some kind of right. I am very outstanding and always the focus everywhere. Men look at me everywhere but I never yearned for attention. I didn't need that. I am myself and proud of it, what others think doesn't matter to me. He has never met a woman like me and since he thought I was too good and attractive for him, he thought he might lose me in an instant.

So he asked me to dress more discreet and not talk so openly with everyone. I immediately kept myself back. I was mad because he made me feel like I was a bitch. Plus, I felt that he tried to change myself and I wouldn't change for anybody. I love everything about me and wasn't ready to act like someone else.

So I told him if he thinks I was too good for him, he had to raise up to my standards and not try to tear me down. He had to change himself into someone he felt confident with, instead of trying to make me feel less. I told him that I had dreams and need a man that can handle it. Someone to support me and enjoy life with me and not someone that tries to belittle me.

He didn't really see it that way. I felt that he tried to change me still. Even if he said that he wouldn't want to change me, but to better me, I felt it differently. I did think about his words, though. Before we met I thought of being a godly woman and knew that I didn't behave like one. I always asked myself how and when I was going to get better, more godly.

So while I was trying to defend myself, I stumbled across so much more.

to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed, xoxo Jaky

11.4.16 21:58, kommentieren


The force to grow

I stayed single and abstinent for almost half a year. I didn't date anybody, texted anybody nor made friends with any men. I needed that time. I really found out what it means to be alone. It was goddamn hard, but it is so worth it. I really found out what I want from life, from a man and how important God is to me. I concentrated on the relationship to God and he made me learn about myself so much.

I didn't date anybody, but I was still getting a lot of attention by men. I am the type of woman men see when I walk into a room. The type of woman other women are jealous of, because I am beautiful, confident, sexy and even a kind person. Since I was alone, I hated all of that. I hated that men would always look at me like an object. I hated that they would hit on me. I hated that all I would hear is "your eyes, your face, your body is so beautiful". I know that and of course I appreciate compliments, but what about my personality? I am a good person and guys should love that about me, too. I did understand that all men not meant for me will never understand that, but I felt so misunderstood and liked for the wrong reasons.

I got really, really, really tired. The most annoying thing a guy said was at the gym one day. I was working out and he came by to give me his phone number. I told him that it was nice of him ,but I wasn't interested. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and that he's never seen a woman like me before..blablabla. Then again, I told him no and he said "I love you". Ooooooh my! I can't believe he just did that. I was so mad. He used those words so easily..I was yearning to hear that from a man, who really means it and that ASSHOLE just used that to hook up with me. That was the absolute punch in my face.

I went home and really thought that this couldn't be it. I couldn't believe people got so dumb and manipulated other people with love. Love to me was the highest and most precious gift given by God. I didn't care what non-believers said, but I knew there was a guy out there who served the Lord and would be able to love me the right way. I just had to wait longer, I guessed.

So a couple of days later at work a guy I've only noticed shortly when I started working at that place, asked me, if he could talk to me for a second. I was surprised but said yes. So he walked me to the bus station and while going downstairs my mind was like "what the hell is he going to say? "Nice ass? Can we fuck?" .. He asked me questions like where I was from, my age and if I had a boyfriend. I said no and then he just super politely asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I was so so so so so positively surprised that I had to say yes right away. I felt something really warm around my heart and for an instant I thought "he is the one". God provided!! I was really happy, but didn't know if he was even religious, which was really important to me.

So I thought THIS IS IT. No doubt, just try to do everything right. On our first date, I totally fucked up..

to be continued.. Until then: Stay blessed. xoxo, Jaky

8.4.16 12:04, kommentieren

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